Notice: This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only

Dear new drivers of Highlands,
Driving is a major milestone for all high school students. It is a new sense of responsibility and mobility, and the first step of maturity for many underclassmen. I get it.
That said, there are some unspoken rules that need to be clarified when it comes to student driving and parking around campus. So, it is advised that you listen and learn.

1. Do not steal an upperclassman’s parking spot.

Just don’t. I don’t care how close it is to the school– it is not a good idea in the slightest. And no, the argument “the parking spots aren’t labeled” is not valid. You will ruin an upperclassman’s day in 0.2 seconds by simply parking in a spot that does not belong to you. If you are unsure if a parking spot is claimed or not, it most likely is claimed. It is advised to find a new parking spot before you get shoved into a wall during your walk to your second period. Take this as your warning.

2. Do not park bumper to bumper.

If you close someone into their parking spot and don’t allow them any wiggle room, you will become enemy #1. Do not be surprised if you walk back to your car and see an angry note attached to your windshield. A scratched or dented bumper may or may not accompany the said angry letter. Trust me, the pandemonium of technicolor language and pure anguish that can emit from pen and paper is astonishing. Do not become a recipient of that letter.

3. Parking spots renew every year. Early Bird students get first dibs.

This is common sense, but don’t complain if your previous parking spot is taken at the start of a new year– especially if it’s an early bird student who took your spot. You snooze, you lose. If you are confused about finding a parking spot, please revisit rule #1.

4. Don’t be annoyed with traffic ESPECIALLY if you are not in a rush.

Traffic is an everyday occurrence for Highlands. Whether it is foot traffic or car traffic, you will be traveling at approximately 0.6 miles per hour at some point during your commute. If it is raining, remember the fundamental skills of driving. A few raindrops is not the end of the world, so take it slow. Listen to some tunes. Your ultimate safety is more important than your timeliness.

5. You are not special.

As blunt as this sounds, it’s a pill that everyone needs to swallow at some point whether you are an upperclassman or underclassman. Just remember, driving and parking around campus is only a small sliver of your day. No one has any ultimate advantage or warranted privilege when it comes to parking (except seniors). Everyone simply needs to make smart decisions (especially you).

If you keep these simple rules in mind, you will certainly survive the responsibilities of driving around the campus of Highlands High School. Remember, these rules are not optional in the slightest.
Best regards,
A student who cannot drive