Alone on Valentine’s Day? Read This.

If you’re like me and your mom has been your only valentine for 17 years, Valentine’s Day can be a little discouraging. Waiting for your little teenage heart to find love can seem disheartening. I mean, who wants to have to celebrate a holiday of love with themselves?

Luckily, I have some tips for spending this Hallmark holiday alone.

First of all, take yourself out! Yes, you may get annoyed at all of the PDA and the cliche couples staring longingly into each other’s eye, but it can be fun. You can stare lustfully at all of the beautiful people that you know you don’t have a chance with. Or, better yet, you can plot all of the ways that you can break up the happy couples.

If you’re feeling in more of a sad mood, no worries, there are options for that too. You could always do the stereotypical thing of eating a whole tub of ice cream by yourself while crying at romance movies. Don’t be afraid to text one (or all) of your friends a super edgy and angsty text at three in the morning about how you’ll be “forever alone”. Dress yourself up to feel bad about how you have no one to take you out or go for some sweatpants to be reminded that you have no one that you can impress. There are honestly so many options, but don’t forget the mascara. You want to be able to look into the mirror after crying to see how much of a hot mess you are.

Maybe you’re more determined to improve your image this Valentine’s Day. Head to Target and buy a giant teddy bear, some chocolates, and maybe a soft blanket. Set up a whole gift basket for yourself and when people ask who it’s from, tell them that you didn’t buy it for yourself. Come up with an elaborate story about how your significant other from Canada (that definitely exists) mailed it to you, but couldn’t come in for the holiday. If they ask you follow up questions, don’t forget to get very defensive.

If you’re more confident in your loneliness, you could flaunt it by being the third wheel for one of your friends. The whole date, make vomit sounds and hand motions assuring to ruin any kind of romantic moment that they could have. When it’s time to pay, you can skirt out, leaving the two lovebirds behind.

Maybe the hopeless romantic in you can’t stop thinking about that crush that you have that you’ve talked to maybe a total of three times. Keep thinking about them, don’t let them escape your mind. Picture your wedding. And your kids. And think about what it will be like when your five kids, who are all named after your grandparents, move out and grow up. Wow, time moves so fast, it seems like they were just born yesterday. And now they have their own kids and you’re left with your boring old spouse. Ok, maybe don’t think that hard about it, unless you want to be completely in tune with your obsessive side.

One more thing that you can do if you’re alone on February 14th is make your own soul mate. Grab a sack of flour for the body, your favorite t-shirt, and a sharpie to draw on a face. You can give them a quirky name and make up their back story and you’re all set! Human interaction and social communications aren’t necessary for a relationship, the only standard is that they have to somewhat look like another human being.

Some may say that being alone on Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to celebrate love for yourself. But, I mean, self-care is so overrated. Wouldn’t you rather wallow in your own pity?